“Who is going to want a 55 year old man that is divorced?” I’ve actually heard men (and women too) tell me this, already resigned to the idea that they’re undesirable and unwanted.
My mind goes to the elderly couple, still canoodling in corners after 50 years of marriage, adoring each other more than the day they met. Why do some of us believe that love, romance, sex and companionship is reserved for the young, or we’re only allowed to experience this bliss of connection once in our lifetimes, forever sealing our fate to solitude when our time together comes to an end?
So you’ve done the last 10, 20 or even 30 years with one woman and it’s now over with you having to find a positive way to move on. I hear you! She took the car and the house, your married friends have shot you the ultimate online-digital-fuck-you with the dreaded UN-friending (thanks Facebook!) leaving you licking wounds as the dust settles around you in bewilderment.
Buckle up, this is going to be a wild ride of get-it-done-and-over-her advice on what to do to pick up and design your own life. If you’ll trust me, you’ll quickly find this is a good thing and can be an amazing time in life.
We’ll get into the recovery later, revisit the wounds and put down the shame you’ve been carrying for years that caused a lot of this problem in the first place. You lost sight of your manhood, buried under the responsibilities of being a good husband, dad and a dozen other titles that are often nothing more than veils of bullshit so everyone else can get their way.
But until you can see that for yourself, you need to hear an overdose of fellow masculine testosterone to help you stand up and remind yourself you’re a man, no, you my brother are an amazing man!
This is your time! Now let’s go since I’m not losing another good man to divorce and we need to rebuild your confidence from the years it was dismantled from fulfilling everyone else needs and wants.
This is a 13 point list of things you absolutely must do immediately.
Her, you know…the ex-wife, insert her name here: [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ] She is now from this point on, with no emotion, referred to as, “The Ex” and/or “Ex”. Under no circumstances can you refer to her as “My Wife” or anything else conveying ownership or coupling.
1. Question Everything.
What beliefs have you been carrying around, blinding your peace and robbing you of your own serenity from years of saying YES so often you began to look like a bobble head toy? Take a deep breath and let’s make a list of what to DIS-create, DIS-assemble and DIS-mantle from the pillars of a life that no longer serves you.
2. New, Everything New!
From the razor you’ve used for 20 years to the route you take to work to the small little habits you’ve formed, get rid of them, all of them! Curiosity is your new friend. Child-like newness is your rescue to a life that grew mundane and seriously needed go be shaken up. Embrace it.
3. Romance Time!! Find your Masculinity with Women – Pt 1.
This is the best part! Call that girl from high school you always wanted to ask out and didn’t. Date a 25 year waitress that pressed up against you at the bar or the cute intern barista that looks up to you for being the only thing steady in her life because you remember her name and home town when you venture through the local coffee shop. Be friendly for kindness sake. Be available. Stay in your own skin to protect your confidence at first and eventually, you’ll find yourself in amazing experiences and conversations. You’ll wonder where all the women have been all this time as they begin to approach you, smile and wink at you bringing tremendous confidence in your masculinity.
***Absolutely NO dating of strippers or escorts. Have your fun if you must, but do not date them in a relationship. (Message me if you’re caught up in this racket and I’ll guide you out.)
4. Get in AMAZING Shape.
While you are not your body, it is your temple (1 Corinthians 6:19) and you can’t live a powerfully turned-on life carrying around
excess weight in a state of obesity, high blood pressure all wrapped in poor diets and distasteful grooming. Hire a trainer, a nutritionist and a guide to help you through. If you can’t afford that, join the blogs of men’s groups, ask friends or just join the local gym chain and get into environments of health where the peer pressure of hot women in yoga pants and men with 20” biceps will motivate you. I’ve seen men not change their diets or drinking habits and loose 20 pounds or more just from the stress relief alone! I’ve witnessed men get in better shape than their college years because they gave up gluten, went Paleo (see link) and overcame sugar addictions. You ARE your environment, good or bad!
And yes…I read and quote the Bible often, it’s packed with wisdom.
5. Acquire a New Wardrobe – Accentuate Your Style.
Throw away all the old loafers (especially if they have an actual penny in them), the Levi 501’s, and anything argyle or paisley unless you’re actually British and actually living in the UK, then you are one of the few fellas that can sport this outdated print. For the rest of you, head to Nordstrom’s and let a sexy 20 something put a designer jean on you. Couple that with a nice shirt and shoes that make you FEEL renewed.
Learn the art of clothing and determine your own unique style. I have a book titled, “Style Manifesto for the Modern Man” being edited at the time of this blog. Click this link and send me a message and I’ll notify you once released.
If you haven’t touched it in the last 12 months or it’s stored in the garage of the house you left to the Ex, then most likely it’s dead weight and has to go. Ditch the stress, the insurance, the maintenance and minimize down to only the things you use regularly. The emotional weight of being nimble will be a freedom you’ve never experienced.
7. New Furniture and Art.
New everything, especially a new bed. Get the nicest, most comfortable bed you can afford, with the kind of mattress that you sink in to and forget all your problems. Deck out a kitchen with cool supplies so you can entertain with electric salt & pepper shakers and a crystal set of bourbon glasses. Buy a nice piece of art that speaks to you every time you look at it. Pick up a unique piece at a market or on a trip that has a fun story to it. (Please, no pool tables in the dinging room and absolutely NO neon signs! College is over.)
8. Rent a Housing Sanctuary!
It’s time to get that cool high rise (with a concierge) you always dreamed of. You know, the one with the cool, white leather, low-profile couch that makes that sound when you sit. (See above) Don’t even THINK about returning to the snobs of the suburbs under any circumstances. Rent the coolest place you can afford whether that be a beach side room-for-rent or a downtown penthouse overlooking the park, your home is your new sanctuary, your fortress of solitude where we are going to rebuild the new you. You’ll soon be introduced to the relaxing experience of hot Epsom salt baths in a big garden tub, (It’s not just a chick thing.) or hanging out on your own balcony listening to music. Do NOT live in isolation! Get a room-mate, live in community or an urban area that forces you to interact with people in everyday environments.
9. Revitalize Your Friendships. Make New Acquaintances.
There is nothing more refreshing than forming your own friends, especially other over-50 divorcees that are equally exhausted of all the roles they filled in sacrifice of their own needs. This is your time. Party it up with the boys and don’t even think of dating just ONE girl. You are phobic of any emotional commitments right now other than to the universal principles of honesty and integrity to your fellow human being. You OWE nobody ANY thing…except to call your oldest friend and rekindle your friendship from the years of being unavailable.
10. Reignite Your Dreams!
What is that thing you always dreamed of doing and came up with 100 lame excuses why you couldn’t? Sky diving, bungee jumping, zip lining through the jungle? If those sound too ambitious, how about a wine tour through Tuscany or walk the foot steps of Jesus across the Holy Land? Make your bucket list and consistently get to work, one thing at a time. Idea: buy an artsy world globe and look at the places you want to go while drinking from those crystal bourbon glasses.
11. Date Amazing Women – Pt 2.
50 is the new 40 and older men are sexy! No, not in the Abercrombie model kinda way. After the comfy years with the Ex, you’ve probably got a few extra pounds of relationship weight from lack of dedication to yourself. This is the one time when you get a major pass because “looks”, provided you’re well groomed, does NOT matter. Don’t listen to the women that say otherwise, I can disprove them and regularly do over and over as I watch a physically mediocre man skillfully navigate thru the inner chambers of a woman’s heart.
The reason why younger women date older men, contrary to popular belief, is NOT because the men are rich. (That is something poor men and ugly women say to themselves to justify their own lives.) Older men understand women. Older men are grounded in who they are and as as result, make women feel safe and secure which, primal speaking, is a woman’s dominant motive for even being with a man in the first place. We know how to make a woman feel amazing about herself and then invite them into wild adventures we’re having, funding and creating making us very intriguing. (deep subject, more on this later.)
12. Get Honest about Your Religion or Spiritual Practice.
You finally get to decide how your encounter with the Divine (God, Higher Power…whatever) is going to look and feel. No longer do you endure boring Sunday services, chocked by neckties that match your ex’s dress one day a week when you wear jeans the other six days of the week mocking a fake smile with people you care nothing about.
So loose the confession booth, the Yakima, the 10 pound Bible and the prayer beads if that’s not your thing. This is your time to question everything, bend a knee to the universe and surrender into a practice that serves you without reason or apology to anyone else. You OWE nobody.
13. Become an Connoisseur of Food and Drink.
Unless you’re actually IN old Mexico, no more margaritas. Sorry, give up beer too. I know it’s good but it makes you fat and bloated and just isn’t a gentleman’s drink. Learn to savor the flavor of a good whiskey, understand the spirit of the dirty martini and become a snob about a few wine regions. It’s well past time to surrender the silly mixers you keep consuming from the fraternity days and stop drinking your calories. Find a few craft cocktail bars with burly bartenders sporting a handlebar mustache that is fixated with one eye squinted, asks your name, shakes your hand and two hours later…remembers said name. You are now the James Bond of the bar, learn the scene, know your drink and why. Ditch the cancer-causing cigarettes, grab a fine cigar and wine and dine the fuck out of a beautiful woman, with the depth of Hemingway. (**also, no sugary fruit juices!)
Your homework, if you should choose to accept this challenge, watch Crazy Stupid Love for a great visual. (One exception: don’t even think of returning to the ex-wife, there’s a reason she’s your ex and that kind of undying love is only for Hollywood. Returning to an ex is rarely a good thing, so play the odds and move on.)
I’ve guided dozens of men though complex divorces and saved them hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees and guilt-based reactions by re-building their confidence, giving them an accurate reflection of their masculinity so they could make good decisions. Sorry, your expensive divorce attorney won’t do this for you and typically your friends only know how to make you feel better by talking shit about The Ex, which only causes the ego to attach heavier from decades of defending her in the first place.
You’re going to do great and rebuilding after divorce CAN be a fun process. For divorce consulting, shoot me an email and guaranteed I’ll have you through the process and feeling great in no time. Guaranteed!
Now go live on! I fucking love you bro! Really.~Robin